I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
