Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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