Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
