No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
