All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
