at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
