You made me cry and you don't even care
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize