so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
