i barfeds in our rink
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
