you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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