Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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