trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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