I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
