The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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