I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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