Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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