I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize