I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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