Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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