Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
