god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
