we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
