I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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