Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
