there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
