Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize