sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
