I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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