do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize