i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
