If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
