I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
