Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
