Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drake has all the answers
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
