Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
