and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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