There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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