Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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