2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
