For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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