My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
