I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
