when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
