I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
