Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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