oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize