Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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