I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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