My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
