Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
