I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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