don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
