It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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