You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
