I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
