I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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