I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
