imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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